My Big Question

 A lot of you don’t know that although I was born into a protective Italian family, my siblings are nearly double my age. My mom had me later in life at 35 years old, whereas she had my brothers at 17 and 19 years old. Mom always wanted a girl and after having her second son at 19 years old (her first son she had at 17), she kept trying for me, but she did not get pregnant again with me until she was 35. Huge gap, and what are the odds after all this time. Makes me really think that God wanted me here for a reason, but what I do not know yet.

Since I was little, I never felt a source of fitting into my family. I was always the youngest by far and couldn’t do much with my older brothers since they were in a different age range than me. I mean they could be my bloody fathers, with a 19 year age difference to me.

My dads side of the family I was the youngest cousin, everyone else was around my brothers age, so I had no one really on his side to play with whenever there were family gatherings.

My moms side majority of my cousins were older than me, with the exception of two , my cousin Amanda and Luca. I think out of all my moms side I spent the most time with those two growing up, and spending two weeks every summer at my Nonna's with them wasn’t all rose pedals and daises. 

Even at school I was never the popular one. Up until grade 7 I was considered the ugly duckling. Then about grade 8 to 11 I bloomed, and what I thought I was blooming into a womanly flower of sorts. Puberty hit basically and that was a game changer for my confidence. Especially after I forced my mother into getting me braces by grade 8. My teeth were so beaver like I hated them. My uncle John used to call me Buck teeth and I hated it, so I forced my mother to dish out the money on braces for the sake of my self esteem. And she did it surprisingly, I won that battle which was very few and far between. 

My parents were never the types to show love and affection with each other or with their kids. My dad came from a house hold where he had  to pay rent when he was still living at home and an adult before he married my mom.

My mom usually would just cook or bake something to show she cared in general. Most of the time she would nag, or tell me I don't look good in anything I wanted to wear and say she said it because she loved me, whatever that means. That line became a total excuse for her to always put me down if I did something she did not approve me of doing. What ever happened to supporting your child in their dreams and letting them grow into their own person and not what YOU the parent want them to be? 

I spent a lot of time playing by myself as a child. Sometimes I would play with my neighbors but that was rare since my mother never really wanted me to bother the neighbors kids. My imagination would have to keep me company for the most part of my childhood.

Growing up into my teenage years being restricted on doing barely anything fun, when I rebelled I did it up right. See boys, sneak out to parties, just hang out with friends from school. I was never allowed to date in high school. Even though I would lie here or there about where I was going. Any “relationship” I had during my high school years didn’t count in my parents eyes because they were not “approved” by my parents to begin with. 

I felt like a prisoner in my own family where in order to live a little I had to lie a little to get a bit of freedom. I always told myself if I ever have children boy or girl I wouldn’t have such a tight chain around their neck like I had growing up. Because the more you confine a teenager the more they will rebel to fight for some freedom. I know because I was there. 

I’m 32 years old now and to this day I still don’t feel like I fit into my family. Sometimes I get depressed, sad, angry. Sometimes I feel like giving up on life and I always ask myself why was I put on this earth? There must be a reason God decided to put me on this earth so late in my family’s life. I don’t know the answers to my big question, I don’t even know if I will ever get my answers. But I do know I have to keep trying no matter how low I feel. 

I pray that one day I will get my answers and everything will make sense, and I feel like I’m getting closer to it. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and hope and pray that very soon all my answers will come flooding in and I will know why I was put on this earth against all odds. I believe in God. God has a plan for me, I just don't know what. I guess time will tell, but it feels like I am running out of time.

Peace, Love, Joy

Ant