Where do I go from here?

 

It has been 9 months since I have checked in with my gorgeous readers. A lot has happened in these 9 months, and no I did not have a baby. Although the timing of my check in seems like it. 

I should have learned my lesson from 2019 new years eve , that hoping for a better year in 2021 was going to be a disaster. 

It seems to me that life just keeps throwing me for a loop, and I keep yelling back, is that all you got? 

9 months into this year of continued mayhem from the previous year, I sit here and think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do next?

I feel stuck. My life feels like it is not moving forward, I am standing in an abyss of stillness. What is my next move? Do I wait for life to make the next move? Do I make the next move myself?

So many questions, and I do not know how to answer them. I feel alone most of the time. Trying to manage my health, mental health, and in dealing with my parents, and watching the slow mental deterioration of both of them really makes me realize I am running out of time with my parents on this planet. Time is a ticking, and its ticking for EVERYONE, not just my mom and dad. Sad but true. We are all visitors on this planet, until God takes us away.

So much going on, and I do not know where to start first. Been in a 3 year relationship, and wondering if I should start a "house" pile of stuff for when we actually decide to make the biggest purchase of our lives, OR if I just just throw my hands in the air and give up because frankly, he is not giving any fucking sign that he wants to move forward with me AT ALL. 

Life happens, people die, people get sick, does not mean you place your entire life on hold. This is where I am struggling the most, is my relationship. 

I have had serious doubts that maybe he just is not sure enough about us, and I should really take a huge step back, because it feels like since my beloved one has had some health issues, I have stepped up and taken a huge step forward to continue to morally and physically support him where I can, since I do not live close to him. 

I love him yes. But these last 9 months have shown me just the type of BOY he can be, and honestly, I ain't about it. I don't want a baby for a husband, I want a man. 

I have sat him down, talked to him, tried getting any sort of plan in place, and honestly I get no response on anything. Just straight silence. 😐

Why is it, that men have a hard time deciding on settling down or not? I keep hearing, "I am the one" yet his words do not match his actions. It feels like time is ticking, and time is a wasting. 

This might sound a bit harsh from my side of the story, but I promise one day when I tell you everything you will understand what exactly it is I mean. 

See readers, I am STUCK. And I am not sure how to approach this situation any further. 

There is a lot more I have not said but I am going to give it some time before I unload the volcano. 

Hope ya'll are doing well and staying safe! 


xoxo

Ant




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